How to Talk in Japanese (Without Sounding Like a Confused Goldfish)

So, you want to talk in Japanese? Fantastic choice! Japanese is an incredibly beautiful, nuanced, and, let’s be honest, slightly intimidating language. But fear not! I’m here to guide you through the basics, armed with humor, real-life (possibly fictional) anecdotes, and just the right amount of existential dread when it comes to kanji.

Step 1: Mastering the Greetings (So You Don’t Accidentally Offend Someone)

Let’s start simple—greetings! Because, let’s be real, if you can’t at least say “hello” properly, you might as well be a lost tourist holding a map upside down.

こんにちは (Konnichiwa) – The classic “hello.” Works almost anytime except for very early morning or late at night. Think of it as the Swiss Army knife of greetings.
おはよう (Ohayou) – Good morning! If you want to sound extra polite (or you’re speaking to your boss), say おはようございます (Ohayou gozaimasu).
こんばんは (Konbanwa) – Good evening. Used when it’s dark outside, or when you want to sound like an anime protagonist with a mysterious past.
さようなら (Sayonara) – Goodbye. Sounds dramatic, and in Japan, it kind of is. More casual ways to say goodbye: ばいばい (Bai bai) (yes, they actually say this!) or またね (Mata ne) (See you later!).

Pro tip: Bow when greeting people. The deeper the bow, the more respect you show. Don’t overdo it, though—banging your forehead on the table is not a sign of politeness.

Step 2: Learning Basic Phrases (a.k.a. Surviving in Japan Without a Translator)

Imagine this: You’re in Japan, standing in front of a convenience store, trying to buy a rice ball. You have two choices:

Point aggressively and grunt like a caveman.
Say something in Japanese and actually sound like a functioning human being.

Let’s go with option two.

いくらですか？ (Ikura desu ka?) – “How much is this?” Crucial for shopping. Also useful if you’re in a fancy sushi place and need to check if you can still afford rent.
ありがとうございます (Arigatou gozaimasu) – “Thank you very much.” Say this often. The more polite, the better.
すみません (Sumimasen) – “Excuse me” or “Sorry.” Also functions as “Help, I’m lost,” “I accidentally walked into the wrong bathroom,” and “Oops, I just tripped over my own feet.”
はい (Hai) / いいえ (Iie) – “Yes” and “No.” Be careful, though—nodding and saying “yes” in Japan doesn’t always mean agreement. Sometimes, it just means “I hear you but I have no idea what you’re saying.”

Step 3: Mastering the Art of Small Talk (a.k.a. The Key to Making Japanese Friends)

Want to make friends? You’ll need some casual conversation starters. Thankfully, the Japanese love talking about certain topics—weather, food, and how cute your dog is (even if you don’t have one).

天気はいいですね～ (Tenki wa ii desu ne~) – “The weather is nice, isn’t it?” Classic small talk opener.
すしが好きです (Sushi ga suki desu) – “I like sushi.” Feel free to replace sushi with ramen, tempura, or “literally anything that won’t offend someone’s grandma.”
ご仕事はなんですか？ (Go-shigoto wa nan desu ka?) – “What do you do for work?” A safe way to keep a conversation going (unless they’re unemployed—then, awkward).

Pro tip: Compliment people! Saying “Your Japanese is amazing!” (日本語が上手ですね (Nihongo ga jouzu desu ne)) is a surefire way to make someone smile—even if they know you’re lying.

Step 4: Understanding Japanese Politeness Levels (Or: How to Avoid Accidentally Insulting Someone)

Japanese has three levels of politeness:

Casual (For friends, family, and possibly your cat.)
Polite (Teineigo) (For strangers, coworkers, and store clerks who pretend not to understand English.)
Honorific (Keigo) (For bosses, customers, and the Emperor—assuming you’re having tea with him.)

Want to sound polite without overcomplicating things? Just add “desu” or “masu” at the end of sentences. For example:

見ます (Mimasu) – “I watch.”
見る (Miru) – “I watch.” (Casual, borderline rude if talking to a stranger.)

Step 5: The Inevitable “I Don’t Understand” Moment (And How to Handle It Like a Pro)

At some point, someone will speak to you in rapid-fire Japanese, and your brain will short-circuit. Don’t panic!

もう一度言ってください (Mou ichido itte kudasai) – “Please say that again.” A lifesaver!
ゆっくり言ってください (Yukkuri itte kudasai) – “Please speak slowly.” Because not everyone speaks Japanese at anime subtitle speed.
わかりません (Wakarimasen) – “I don’t understand.” Your new best friend.

Step 6: Have Fun and Keep Learning!

Learning Japanese is a journey, not a race. Make mistakes, laugh about them, and keep going! One day, you’ll be effortlessly ordering sushi, making small talk with strangers, and maybe even understanding an entire anime episode without subtitles.

Got any funny language-learning moments? Share them in the comments! And if you’re serious about improving, try speaking to native speakers, watching Japanese shows, or bribing yourself with snacks every time you learn a new phrase.